Depression is a weird thing. I have no idea if my feeling and interpretation of depression, would be the same or similar to anyone else experiencing it. For me it can come very suddenly, usually at the beginning of a day when my brain starts booting up after I’ve awoken. When it comes, it sort of feels like a strong, never ending emptiness that gradually, but quite quickly fills me up. Like a cup filled with water, but instead of water it’s just nothing. A horrible, bottomless nothing. And the “filling” of the cup doesn’t stop, like if you pour and the water would overflow the cup. It can’t get any fuller, but you feel that it’s still “coming”.
I can still think creatively when I’m in this state, but it’s very hard to do anything; like writing this post. Most of the day I will sit in my chair and stare at the keyboard. There are no feelings involved, or at least it feels like there are none, because sometimes I’ll just start crying; which makes me think there must be feelings, but I can’t interpret or grasp them anymore in this state.
Imagine sitting in a chair, and the room around you is on fire. You know you should get out of the chair and get out of that room, but your brain wont send any signals to your body that it’s time to go. Your brain can’t see the meaning of getting out of that chair, and out of that room. Everything you thought was fun before, that motivated you, and all the people you usually love to hang out with; all meaningless in this state. It’s the most dangerous state of mind I can imagine (for the individual self, of course someone in a state of murder would be quite catastrophic for others), because suddenly nothing makes sense anymore, and nothing matters.
Now, people would react here and say something like “nu-uh, the state where you want to commit suicide would be worse!”, but I think this state that I’m talking about, is a potential stepping stone to something worse. It’s something that could trigger something much much worse, although not necessarily. You know how sometimes the brain goes wild, and you starting thinking stuff like “I wonder what would happen if I stepped in front of that train over there?”. Of course, you have healthy state of mind, and you would never do it, just that one time in your life you thought about it for no reason. But in a depressed state, if it comes to mind, I’ll go “Why not? It’s not like it would matter anyway… and maybe this emptiness will go away”.
Because for the few hours that I feel like this, nothing has meaning.
I’m not really the kind of person who specifically looks for meaning in everything, or at least I don’t think I do. But somehow when something specifically looses all meaning, even if you weren’t looking for it, it feels that it should have been there. Or that something that was there is now missing.
The nothingness might also be a fire, or maybe it’s a virus; spreading in your body. Because if it’s there for a longer time, you start to “feel it” in a worse way than before. It sort of starts to hurt. Or, I guess I could describe it as loud. The empty void, becomes louder; and it starts to really stand out. Eventually people will see it and start asking questions.
“Wow, you look like shit…”
“Have you been getting enough sleep? (referring to the dark spots under my eyes)”
“You s҉ho͝u͏l̨d́ c̛h̷ȩer u͜p͘ ̶moré, ̧i̵t ̨wi̸l̀l h̶elp̵”
The thing that always saves me, is that deep down I know that the next day will always be better. So I sit in silence, and I wait.